If you're Alex James, part time bass player with Blur, then you'll lamely
quip how you've "exchanged hard drugs for soft cheese" every
time you pop up to plug your cheese/TV-show/smug newspaper column. There
is only one way to be sure though: complete this issue's Fig questionnaire!
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| Campaigners hand a 10'000-strong
petition into Downing Street insisting that Alex James be made
to "stop talking about his fucking cheese" |
1. After ten years of casual sex, legendary booze
consumption and widely documented cocaine abuse, how do you fill the
time between your bands increasingly sporadic releases?
a) By record that much-put-off solo album.
b) By trying to shag Betty
Boo.
c) By traveling to Afghanistan and making patronising documentaries
urging us to consider the wider ramifications of drug use.
2. You've delighted to announce the arrival of a new baby boy. What
are you going to call him?
a) Alex
b) Pino (after legendary 80's session bassist, Pino
Palladino).
c) Dairylea.
3 . At the height of both Blur's fame and the Britpop phenomenon, your
single 'Country House' - released on the same day as Oasis's 'Roll With
It' - becomes number one amidst media frenzy that hadn't been seen since
the Stones vs Beatles some thirty years earlier. Your current location
is?
a) A chic loft conversion in Greenwich Village, NYC
b) Divided between studios in Montreal, London, and LA
c) A country house
4. The rider for the forthcoming Blur re-union tour
stipulates that your dressing room contains?
a) A crate of chilled Stella, a large bottle of Jack
Daniels, 3 lines of coke.
b) A selection of pre and post-op transsexuals of Thai descent
c) 2 packets of Carrs water biscuits and a cheese board the size of
Norwich
5. Your forthcoming solo single is rumoured to be?
a) A stripped-down, slab of raw, post-punk pop in the style of 'Song
2'.
b) A folk-tinged acoustic number that marks a departure from your previous
offerings.
c) Monty Python's 'Cheese Shop' sketch, set to music.
How did you score?
Mostly a's - you are not Alex James
Mostly b's - you are not Alex James
Mostly c's - you are Alex James
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