Are you Alex James?
Are you boring the public by combining a variety of cheese-related anecdotes with the "now-straight rock star decamps to huge farmhouse' shtick? If you are, then you could be floppy haired tosspot Alex James...(more)

A brief history of 'shrooms
CAMBRIDGE - Theoretical Physicist Stephen Hawking confirms that his best selling book 'A Brief History Of Time' was written whilst "off my wheelchair on highly hallucinogenic Psilocybin mushrooms" (more)

Gillian McKeith and Simon Cowell to host "The X-Crement Factor"
ITV CENTRE - Fecally obsessed food fascist Gillian McKeith has confirmed that she's in discussion with X Factor impresario Simon Cowell to develop a new talent show that's "as interested in what comes out of Britain's most talented performers as what goes in". McKeith, whose lame, still unavailable Ph.D. was once described as "a 48 page pamphlet full of anecdote but no data", is convinced that organoleptic examination of auditioning candidates' excrement will provide "an interesting twist on what is becoming a slightly stale franchise". However, our insider at ITV confirmed that executives "are concerned about how a hatchet faced quack with her nose in a tupperware box full of sh*t will fit in with the peak-time, Saturday evening demograph".

World's least amusing novelty T-shirt retains title for third successive year
MILAN - Jurors at the this years Silver Sweatshop convention, an organisation that does to the fashion industry what the Golden Raspberry Awards does to the Oscars, has voted 'Sex Instructor: First Lesson Free', as the world's least amusing t-shirt for the third time in succession. Only two other t-shirts have won the award three times since the organisation was founded in 1975, the first of which was the Pythonesque 'I'm With STUPID' design, complete with a Terry Gilliam styled pointing hand allowing the wearer to single out adjacent bystanders for ridicule. Then in the 1980s, the explosion in cheap package holidays meant that variations on 'My parents went to Fuengerolla and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' was the untroubled recipient of the award for the best part of the decade.