Are you protozoa?
Provided you can carry out basic metabolic functions such as digestion, respiration, and coordination of movement, you might be a single celled organism. Complete this issue's quiz and find out ... (more)

Wanking Oddie puts pay to Goodies rerun
SHETLAND ISLES - A repeat of the 1970s cult TV series "The Goodies" looks unlikely as Bill Oddie is caught masturbating in a naturalist hot spot (more...)

My little Hells Angel
DONNINGTON - Confusion at a car finishing & paint workshop meant that 32 year Stephen Davis, known in the metal community as 'DethSpawn', was forced to attend the Donnington's Download festival with a detailed rendition of the My Little Pony known as "Strawberry Surprise" decorating his transit van. A stoical Davis confessed that "It could have been a lot worse. I'm not sure how Cupcake Nursery are going to explain the presence of a copulating hellbeast on the side of the school minibus".

'Connect 4' playing students beaten unconscious in pub
MARSTON GREEN - Following a vicious attack in which an unemployed bricklayer repeatedly punched two students enjoying a spirited game of 'Connect 4' at their local pub, Tony Oliver has been found guilty of causing grievous bodily harm with intent. Sentenced to five years' detention at Solihull Crown Court yesterday, Oliver, who claims he "was only trying to enjoy a quiet pint" stood impassively as the verdict was read, but after was unable to contain his frustration for long. "It's a good job they weren't playing 'garden jenga', or whatever it's f*cking called", shouted Oliver as he was lead from the courtroom, "or they would not have left that pub alive."