Are you in Kraftwerk?
If you've formed an unnatural attachment to any of the electrical devices in your house, you could be a member of the pioneering electronic pop outfit Kraftwerk. Find out if you are by completing this issue's Fig questionnaire...(more)

Paul Daniel launches magic mushrooms
NEC: BIRMINGHAM - Magician Paul Daniels and his menopausal assistant Debbie McGee have launched their own range of gourmet shitake mushrooms...(more)

Metal enthusiast inadvertently acquires Christian Rock album
SOLIHULL - Software developer and heavy rock enthusiast Stephen Davies claims to have been tricked into purchasing the eponymous debut album by 'In His Name', one of California's leading 'contemporary worship' groups. Davies, who is in the process of selling the LP to an eBaying Christadelphian from Hull, explained how "These bible-bashing bands are getting better and better at passing off their spineless Christian cock-rock as the real thing. Purple and black is always going to attract your goth/metal enthusiast - and the artwork is clearly trying to copy the Nine Inch Nails logo".

When asked if he'd be catching 'In His Name' at Creation Fest, Woolacombe, Devon, (the UK's premier Christian rock festival), Davies responded that he'd sooner "nail my scrote to plank with a rusty nail".

Upsetter urges education ministers to 'lively up themselves'
Legendary upsetter and dub artist Lee 'Scratch' Perry has urged the Department for Education and Skills to "lively up themselves" to ensure that school leavers are fit to enter the job market. The RT HON Alan Johnson MP, Secretary of State for Education and Skills, promised to take Mr Perry's comments on board, whilst acknowledging his "worldwide contribution to the development of reggae and dub music ".