Are you in a jazz combo?
If you can't tell the difference between a Peter Brotzman sax solo and the sound of cat being nailed to a tree, then you need to complete this issue's Fig questionairre...(more)

The Little Mermaid sheds pounds on Plankton diet...
UNDER THE SEA - Arial looses pounds thanks to the Atkins-busting 'as many microscopic acquatic organisms as you want' weight loss programme...(more)

Cool Runnings 'still shit'
Despite a plethora of extra features accompanying the new digitally remastered issue of the hit comedy film 'Cool Runnings', popular consensus is that the film remains a 'piece of shit'. The inclusion of directory's commentary, deleted scenes and theatrical trailers has failed to impress the film's many crititcs, all of whom emphasise the film's "total absence of any redeemable features whatsoever". They also registered deep feelings of depsair on learning that previously unseen footage "could not remain so".

Tramp dissapointed with public's reaction to cat on string
After a dissapointing months takings, homeless Brian Lingley has re-installed 'Ben', a 12-year old border collie, as his long-term begging companion. Since returning 'Mr Frisky' to the RSPCA, Lingley has noticed an upsurge in donations. 'The moggy was cuter than old Ben' said Lingley between mouthfulls of export strength lager 'but for some reason, the public weren't ready for a pussy cat on the end of a piece of string'. Lingley is also keen to try a 'hamster or gerbil'.