Are you a video game character?
Ever wondered if you have a little Lara Croft, Sonic the Hedgehog or Moustachioed plumber inside you? Complete this issue's questionnaire and find out...(more)

Kilted wedding guest largely ignored
MELTON MOWBRAY - Despite dusting off the family tartan, it turned out to be a disappointing reception for wedding guest and occasional Scotsman John Hammond.. (more)

Company whiteboard used to re-enact favourite episodes of "Rolf's Cartoon Time"
LONDON - Senior Management at one of London's most respected advertising agencies, Lombart, Heggarty and Clam, have expressed disappointment at employees' preferred use for a recently purchased electronic whiteboard. "The Canon FX-17 is a business tool that was bought to capture the spontaneous output of our client brainstorming sessions", said Heggarty "and not to emulate the below-par doodlings of world's most famous didgeridoo player".

Bachelor masturbates into discarded sock
KINGS NORTON - Recently dumped thirty-something Nicholas Green yesterday found himself masturbating into a piece of discarded laundry. Having pleasured himself using a cotton-rich sports sock, Green confessed that "it would have been more hygienic to fetch some toilet roll from the bathroom, but at the crucial moment and there was nothing else to hand". The sock, which has lycra added for extra comfort "already needed washing" claimed Green. "It's not like I was going to have to go to work with my own love goo squishing between my toes."