Are you a crab?
Crabs are arguably the United Kingdom's favourite crustaceans, despite being scavengers that live off dead fish. Could you be one? Complete this issue's Fig Questionnaire and find out..(more)

Pop legends ABBA to reform as 'BABA'
Founder members of the Swedish supergroup re-unite using a modified acronym that "better reflects each members' contribution to the band"...(more)

Pontiff's rectum defied circling media vultures
THE VATICAN - The terminal portion of the Pope's lower intestine continued to operate normally throught his final days, despite the chronic failure of the Pontiffs respiratory and circulatory systems. As the world's press continued their grotesque cataloguing of an 84-year old man's slow and painful physical deterioration, Archbishop Stanislaw Dziwisz, John Paul's trusted personal secretary declared that "right to the end of his life, the pontiff had the fit and healthy sphincter of a man half his age".

Proclaimers drop lyrics for new album
AUCHTERMUCHTY - Visually challenged pop-folk combo The Proclaimers have revealed the novel work-around used to overcome a creative block that was delaying the release of their 6th studio album, "I Cannae Find Ma Hula Hoops". Speaking through a translator, Charlie Reid explained how the duo had completed the melodies but had no words any of the album's 12 tracks. "The breakthrough came when I realised that we didn't have to write any lyrics, but just emphasise our already impenetrable Scottish accents." The band are believed to have got the idea from reading the first two pages of Trainspotting.